It's gone

He was my home. And now it’s gone.

“A beautiful relationship just ended. Will speak to you sometime.” reads my text to my therapist. But I know there is nothing to speak about.

Will I ever be able to explain her how he used to calm me down through my anxiety? How he used to be a force for good in my life? How I was continously amazed with his intelligence. How he used to inspire me to engage with life despite the overwhelming challenges?

I’ve lost the need to be validated by anyone, really. What would people say? What would they say that I already don’t know? That sometimes relationships don’t work out? That you can’t force someone to stay with you? That none of you is the bad guy, it’s the circumstance that’s bad?

I would ponder over why? And while I can make a list of reasons he broke up with me, in reality, I will never know. I will never know the exact thing. People are complicated and what triggered him to call it quits I wouldn’t know.

I feel like we both went to watch a movie but we were watching two different movies. At the end of it, he didn’t like it and vowed to never watch it again. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and would watch it millionth time if you ask me to. Is it delusion? Maybe. It felt like a dream.

Then I had to wake up to reality, just like the dream. The movie wasn’t great for him and he’ll never speak to me again. What remains is just beauitiful memories from it. I’ve been in a relationship and cared for my partner in a relationship but never had I allowed myself to fall vulnerably in love.

The ultimate test of love is when you have to let them go. If that’s what they like, so be it, even if that costs me sleepless nights and dreams of their face and voice.

I wake up to vivid, pleasant dreams of him. I wish I saw these more often when he was with me. Would’ve grown my love stronger. Atleat I could say, “I saw you in my dreams last night and it was wonderful.”

“I love him so much, sometimes my heart can’t contain.” I would say to my friends. “He makes me a better person.” He did. I am braver, stronger, and most of all, the person who loved.

I was none of these before I met him.

It’s been a month.

A month passed just with his memories. Maybe the life would also pass just like this.

Though life wouldn’t be the same, I am glad there exists a time-space where he showed up at 6 AM on my door to help me move houses. After the move was complete, I sat on his lap, we both closed our eyes, pretending his Uber isn’t just 2 min away. That moment, that exact moment, my head on his chest, felt like home.

He was my home.

And now it’s gone.